Alanis

I grew up with Alanis 

Jagged Little Pill was one of the first albums I ever owned

And seeing her live

For the first time 

Was exhilirating and touching and strange 

It wasn’t just Present Me

Standing in the middle of the crowd

In this vast venue in London

It was thirteen year old me

Standing in the large school hall

Singing “Hand in my Pocket” 

And my classmates laughing because I couldn’t swear

And because it was so incredibly, painfully, obvious that I would never, ever, flick a cigarette 

I think it was one of the first times I had ever sung solo

And the lady who had asked me to sing was so encouraging

I went home and re-listened to Jagged Little Pill to see what else I could learn 

It was twenty-something year old me

Standing in the practise rooms above the Student Union

And channelling my anger at my ex

So I could sing “You Oughta Know” 

I knew the song well by then

But the lyrics meant more

It was twenty-something year old me 

Walking the Camino

And re-calling that Alanis had done some sort of pilgrimage to India 

And had then released Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie 

And listening to it again 

And as I walked 

“Thank u” resonated

And it changed the entire outlook on my life 

It was teenage me 

Watching Dogma and seeing Alanis play God

(Controversial because in Christianity, God is always a He) 

And realizing for the first time

God could be female 

And then present day me

With all these memories

From time and space almost forgotten 

Standing there surrounded by strangers

And Alanis

As gorgeous and talented as I’d hoped she’d be 

But with a twist

This feminine rock chick with biting lyrics and a fierce sound 

Had stage fright.

She barely looked at the audience for the first two songs

She roamed around the stage

Her amazing hair swishing behind her 

She settled in though

And from the beginning her voice 

Was even more powerful than I thought

Her belt is phenomenal

She didn’t talk between songs

But she would bow to the band members

And call out thank you to the audience

She started out with Woman Down 

A call for an end to misogyny 

And throughout the night played 

guardian, receive, all I really want, you oughta know, hand in my pocket, you learn, head over feet, mary jane, ironic, and uninvited. 

The crowd knew every word

We laughed when she updated the lyrics - 

"It's like meeting the man of your dreams

And meeting his husband". 

But the highlight

Was the acapella hidden track from Jagged Little Pill

It was almost divine it was so moving

Still as raw and gut wrenching as it was eighteen years ago

I’ve never been brave/stupid enough to walk into an ex’s house

And lie in his bed and cry all afternoon

But I have dreamt it 

In the dream I walked through his house 

Smelt his cologne 

And both in sleep and awake 

I have sobbed

And through it all 

Alanis. 

With her own highs and lows and journies and quests

For forgiveness 

For peace 

For love

For life.

The end.