West End Work

"Hello! May I take you to your seat?!" #stagey 

Tonight

I was selling programs
And a woman came up to me
And said
"Are you an actor?
You have a lovely theatre voice."
To which I laughed
In reply
And said
"Just about every usher
In the West End
Is an actor!"
And she laughed too
And we had a little conversation
And as she departed,
Program in hand,
She smiled and said
"Well, good luck
I'm sure you'll get work in no time."
And it truly made my day
To have a random stranger
Say something nice
Say something confidence boosting
To remind me
Why I'm here in the first place

The end.

Don't Panic

Dear Me-Four-Years-Ago, 

You are about to go back to London for your second visit. It will be covered in snow. The tube will be in total disarray and it will take you four hours to travel from Heathrow to Islington. All the tourist attractions will close early. You will not make it inside St. Paul’s Cathedral despite your best efforts. Don’t worry about the admission to Westminster, it’s totally worth it. Don’t worry that you don’t visit the West End. You will discover that traveling solo is Where. It. Is. At. You will discover that walking through London is magical. You will feel like you belong in Europe no matter what your passport says. When Susan says goodbye to you at Paddington after a week of wandering, sight-seeing, and Londoning, you will cry. You will feel as if you are leaving too early. You make a promise to yourself that you will return, and that you will one day live overseas. 

Dear Me-Four-Years-Ago, you come back. You have a Spanish passport. And yes, you live overseas. You make it inside St Paul’s Cathedral. You climb to the roof and with the rooftops of London as your background, you kiss a wonderful boy who turns out to be even more wonderful than you already think he is. You go to drama school. You get an agent. You are an actor living in London. Truly. 

In fact, one night, nearly four years from now, you will walk from your place of work, a theatre in the West End, to Embankment. You won’t even need a map. And you will easily navigate your way to Angel. And after a lovely dinner, you will travel home on the tube. And the air will smell crisp, and the ground will be gritted in preparation for the promise of snow.  And you will remember this time four years ago, and how you couldn’t even conceive how it could all be possible, and you laugh. 

The end. 

Strength, Courage, and Wisdom

I’ve been back in London just over a month

And I’ve been feeling depressed and frustrated

And my energy levels are like a yo-yo.

One day I’m raring to go

And the next I can barely get out of bed

And I’m like

What’s the deal?! 

I’m eating well, I’m exercising, I’m meditating...

Why does it still not feel right?! 

And I realized, 

After coffee with a lovely friend,

Who inspires me because she is down to earth

And talented

And successful

And still a wonderful person,

That the reason I have been feeling so 

Bleurgh

Is because I haven’t been following my heart

I’ve been slogging away

Working long hours and only just covering my bills,

Barely, 

And submitting myself for agents

And getting endlessly rejected

And feeling like I’m not the 

Right Type

Because I am female and I have short hair and any other myriad of reasons of why

I am Not Suitable 

And at the same time 

Reading about women in the media

And becoming more and more aware

That the media has no idea how to portray women

Or anyone who isn’t a white male

And I’m trying so hard to be in this system

And understanding that

The System is All Wrong

Because women, and anyone who isn’t a white male,

Are not represented adequately in politics or on television or in the press or anywhere that has a say in how the world is run

And I had this epiphany!

WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

I came to London to follow my heart and my dreams and to be happy dammit! 

And here I am 

Struggling and feeling miserable and frustrated

And THIS WILL NOT DO.

So. As of right this minute! I am saying

I am DONE with The System.

I’m writing my own words. I’m following my own path. 

And I CARE NOT! if it’s not “the right way” or “the way it’s supposed to be done” or "not what women in their late twenties are supposed to be doing”

It’s my life

And it’s now or never.

I ain’t gonna live forever! 

So I’m taking a deep breath

And taking the path less traveled (by me)

And I’m going to 

Trust my instincts

And fly confidently in the direction of my dreams. 

The end. 

Sing Out, Louise!

I’m so proud of my kids tonight

For the past three weeks:

“Project! Articulate! Every word is important!” 

Daily drills. 

Feel your feet. Activate the breathe. Let go. 

I’ve felt a bit like Mama Rose

“Sing out, Louise!”

Hoping I’m not nearly as crazy as she was.

But I get why she does it.

You can see the potential.

Hear the voice that’s dying to come out

And it’s just hidden by inhibition

Or from lack of ever trying.

And you sit in on the rehearsals. 

And you work through the score.

And you stay up late

And you wake up early

And you hope that all the hard work will be worth it

And you get to show night

And suddenly there’s that extra element 

That is simply not available in rehearsal,

The audience.

And your children lift their game,

And you sit watching their show

(It’s theirs now, they own it.) 

And you feel like you’re in one of those TV shows

And you’re watching the show like a montage

Except you know every word

Every bit of blocking

And the director is sitting to your left

And every now and then you look to each other and laugh

Or worry about a delayed cue

Or a missed line

And you hear the audience go wild at the end

Cheering your kids

And you feel an immense sense of pride

In your work. 

And you thank each and every actor

For all the lessons they have taught you. 

The end.