A Way Back to Then

Remember a time

Before you’d ever even been to Broadway

New York was just a place

Across the ocean

Far away

It may as well have been the moon

And musicals were accessed via cast recordings

Played on CD (and cassette!)

Repeated so often you knew

Every inflection

Pause and intonation

And then you’re sitting in the

Lyric Theatre, London

And Trevor Ashley

Australian performer

Who taught musical theatre at State Music Camp

And performed at Schools Spec

Is performing his Liza show

He is brilliant

The camp and the sass and the deadpan humour

Meet moments of utter sincerity

That make a caricature of Liza

(Though the portrayal is so spot on

It's more real than play) 

Human 

You remember

State Music camp and

Being around other people who

Got it

You performed ‘Over the Moon’ from RENT

(Which you had learnt by heart

By listening to the recording

Over and over til you got it right

Moo)

(And your friend

Gave you your first standing ovation

Lept to his feet when you finished moo-ing)

It was thrilling to sit in chairs around the piano

Holding sheets of music

And singing the songs

You had listened to

And already knew by heart

And all that jazz

And you remember all your teachers

Mrs Harrison and Mrs Ross

Mrs McAndrews

Mrs Stevenson, Miss Lorschy, Mrs Martinotti, Mrs Turner

Mr Harrison, Miss Boyle, Miss Richards (theatre etiquette!), Miss Paris, Miss Simone, Mrs Page, Mrs Stewart, Mr Kelso, Mrs Miltiades, Mrs Miller, Mrs Cull

George, Andrew, Gina, Frank, Kane, Ste, Christine

The ones who believed in you and gave you a chance

And if you could tell your fifteen year old self

You get to do it!

You go to New York

Broadway is real

You study musical theatre in London

You live in a houseful of actors

You learn for real the phrase

“Starving actor”

It’s not just about hunger and being poor

You need to perform and write and play music and tell stories

And when you don’t

You get really depressed

And even though it’s hard

It’s incredible

There is no other life you can lead

The Tony Awards are real

You actually go, twice

Get all dressed up

And sit in the rafters

And watch your childhood heroes

Make their acceptance speeches

You see Idina Menzel in concert (twice)

You see her rehearsing!

You see Marvin Hamlisch conduct the London Symphony Orchestra

In a medley from A Chorus Line

You see Liza in concert

You see Trevor as Liza in concert

And it takes you back to 15 year old you

Who wants nothing more than

This life

And you say

Hold on

You’ll get here

The end. 

Stop Imagining

source

The world is full
It seems
Of such awful things
People being awful
To the other people
Destruction
Pain and chaos

Hate comes from a place
Of sorrow and anger
Mistrust and mistreatment

All the people who hate

And are filled with violent thoughts

And carry out violent actions
Are reacting to something

Injustices done to them
Or their loved ones

And it doesn't in any way

Justify horrific acts

But they didn't fall out of the sky

Hating and perpetrating awfulness 

What if we turned to every being

And said

You are loved

You are worthy 

You are allowed to be here

Not because religion

Or because long gone gurus said so

But just because

Would it change anything?

Years of abuse of injustice and pain

Would probably retaliate

Untrusting 

Imagine
All the people
Living life in peace
Yoo hoo-ooo

Stop imagining
Do it
Live life in peace
And as once was said
Be the change
Be nice to one another
Say please and thank you

Because we can all imagine
If only's
And the possibility of futures
Far away
We can wish
Forever
But if wishes were fishes...
We'd deplete the sea
Until there was nothing left

Instead of waiting for the future to happen
Instead of waiting for a day of peace
Down the track
Let's live it right now

Today I watched the London marathon
On a (rare) bright blue sky London day
All the people running past
In shorts and leggings and brightly coloured wigs
And smiles through the pain
The cheers from the crowds watching on
In everyone's minds
This was Boston on Monday
The sea of humanity
The celebration of health
And togetherness
Of fun
And festivity
Of challenge
And achievement
Was at once beautiful
And overwhelming
And the world seemed
For a moment, at least,
Less awful

The end.

Empire State of Mind

Today I cried watching this video
Then downloaded the song
And with Alicia on repeat
Ran 5km
Despite the snow still on the ground
And recalled that the next adventure
Is just around the corner

The end.

Sing Out, Louise(a)

Patti: "sing out, Louise!"

If you had told me
Three years ago
Sitting in my lounge room
In suburban Sydney
That I would three years later
Be sitting with the host and creator of MusicalTalk
In London
Singing a new song
For a new musical
And recording tracks for my agent
I would have laughed
And said
"That's cool...
I want to be her."

The end.

I Dreamed a Dream

In the morning I went to an audition
And then I went to work
In the West End
And did the double show day
And it was long
And I came home absolutely shattered
But I realized
I'm living the dream!
I'm an actor in London
And it is hilarious.

The end.

Don't Panic

Dear Me-Four-Years-Ago, 

You are about to go back to London for your second visit. It will be covered in snow. The tube will be in total disarray and it will take you four hours to travel from Heathrow to Islington. All the tourist attractions will close early. You will not make it inside St. Paul’s Cathedral despite your best efforts. Don’t worry about the admission to Westminster, it’s totally worth it. Don’t worry that you don’t visit the West End. You will discover that traveling solo is Where. It. Is. At. You will discover that walking through London is magical. You will feel like you belong in Europe no matter what your passport says. When Susan says goodbye to you at Paddington after a week of wandering, sight-seeing, and Londoning, you will cry. You will feel as if you are leaving too early. You make a promise to yourself that you will return, and that you will one day live overseas. 

Dear Me-Four-Years-Ago, you come back. You have a Spanish passport. And yes, you live overseas. You make it inside St Paul’s Cathedral. You climb to the roof and with the rooftops of London as your background, you kiss a wonderful boy who turns out to be even more wonderful than you already think he is. You go to drama school. You get an agent. You are an actor living in London. Truly. 

In fact, one night, nearly four years from now, you will walk from your place of work, a theatre in the West End, to Embankment. You won’t even need a map. And you will easily navigate your way to Angel. And after a lovely dinner, you will travel home on the tube. And the air will smell crisp, and the ground will be gritted in preparation for the promise of snow.  And you will remember this time four years ago, and how you couldn’t even conceive how it could all be possible, and you laugh. 

The end. 

Strength, Courage, and Wisdom

I’ve been back in London just over a month

And I’ve been feeling depressed and frustrated

And my energy levels are like a yo-yo.

One day I’m raring to go

And the next I can barely get out of bed

And I’m like

What’s the deal?! 

I’m eating well, I’m exercising, I’m meditating...

Why does it still not feel right?! 

And I realized, 

After coffee with a lovely friend,

Who inspires me because she is down to earth

And talented

And successful

And still a wonderful person,

That the reason I have been feeling so 

Bleurgh

Is because I haven’t been following my heart

I’ve been slogging away

Working long hours and only just covering my bills,

Barely, 

And submitting myself for agents

And getting endlessly rejected

And feeling like I’m not the 

Right Type

Because I am female and I have short hair and any other myriad of reasons of why

I am Not Suitable 

And at the same time 

Reading about women in the media

And becoming more and more aware

That the media has no idea how to portray women

Or anyone who isn’t a white male

And I’m trying so hard to be in this system

And understanding that

The System is All Wrong

Because women, and anyone who isn’t a white male,

Are not represented adequately in politics or on television or in the press or anywhere that has a say in how the world is run

And I had this epiphany!

WHAT AM I DOING?!?!

I came to London to follow my heart and my dreams and to be happy dammit! 

And here I am 

Struggling and feeling miserable and frustrated

And THIS WILL NOT DO.

So. As of right this minute! I am saying

I am DONE with The System.

I’m writing my own words. I’m following my own path. 

And I CARE NOT! if it’s not “the right way” or “the way it’s supposed to be done” or "not what women in their late twenties are supposed to be doing”

It’s my life

And it’s now or never.

I ain’t gonna live forever! 

So I’m taking a deep breath

And taking the path less traveled (by me)

And I’m going to 

Trust my instincts

And fly confidently in the direction of my dreams. 

The end. 

Just Around the Riverbend

A year ago today I knew I was moving to London but I didn’t know how

A year ago today my best friend was despairing that he would never meet someone and in six months he’s getting married. 

A year ago today I had no idea what 2011 would bring but I knew it would be exciting.

And it was. It was exciting. It was lovely. It was hard. It was emotional. It was inspiring. It was draining. It was everything I had hoped it could be and so much more. 

I met my heroes. I fell in love. I moved to a whole other country. 

And here we are on the brink of 2012. 

The Occupy Movement is rustling. 

I have six months left at school. 

Another trip to America is on the cards. 

After that? Who knows? 

They say that 2012 was the end of the Mayan calendar

That the end of the world is nigh. 

But I choose to believe it's all about to change. 

There is a shift, a quickening, a change in the air,

And I’m not quite sure what it holds.

But I breathe, and trust, and light, and love,

And know that something’s just around the riverbend.

Because something’s coming. Something good. 

Could be. Hold still.

This is the beginning. 

On the Steps of the Palace

Imagine one day you’re in London 

and you’re Living The Dream! 

You’ve wanted to be an actress your Whole Life

And suddenly here you are!

At one of the top drama schools in the world!

And every day you climb the steps to the school and 

Literally engraved into the rise of the steps

Are the names of people who’ve been here before.

People who have “Made It”

In the profession

This crazy business like no other.

Because what would it be like if your dreams actually came true?

What if you grew up and actually got to be who you wanted to be?

What if you were Mary Donaldson, an account manager from Tasmania? And what if one day you were in a pub in Sydney and this really attractive guy starts flirting with you and you think, “Gee, I like this one.” And you hang out for a few days, and the air is warm and the sky is blue, and it’s all rather festive because it’s the Olympics, and a few days later he turns to you and he says, “By the way, I’m the Crown Prince of Denmark. If you like me, like, like like me, you’re going to have to renounce your citizenship, learn Danish, and promise to bear my children. In exchange you get to a princess. Like, for real.” What do you do in that situation?

When people talk of Living The Dream, they don’t mention the self-doubt, or the worry, or the anxiety. 

Or that actually living the dream feels and looks different to what you expected. Or that it could even be better than what you've imagined your whole life, and that’s the overwhelming part?! 

Did Mary sit in her room one night and pour her heart out to her best friend and say, “Ohmygod. I don’t know. I mean he’s wonderful. And I really love him. But he’s a prince?! An actual prince?! Isn’t that ridiculous?!”

Because what if you are, 

What a prince would envision?

Although how can you know

Who you are till you know

What you want, which you don’t?

You know what you want. And you want to be an actress. And one day out of the blue, without any guide, a chance to audition fell into your lap, and you seized it, and it worked out well, and you moved to London. And after all this training, you want to write and dance and sing and act and tell stories and have someone with money pay you to do it. And you want to reach out to people to make this world a better place. And you want to talk about what’s going on around you in an interesting and theatrical way. Because nothing else excites you like that idea. Literally no other job in the world has as much appeal. 

You’re here. And you’re Living The Dream. And as Sondheim’s Cinderella says, yes, “Sometimes it’s scary... And you have to wary.” But you keep going. And trust, trust, trust that the universe knows what it’s doing with you. Because one day, you just might end up not just on the steps, but inside the palace, and it just may be wonderful.

The end.