Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Well, this video pretty much sums it up.

The end.

The Big Issue

Every week

If I can 

I try and buy 

The Big Issue

I'm struggling myself 

Two-thirds of my paycheck

Is spent on rent

The other third covers

Food, bills, and a weekly train ticket

There's not much left 

If anything

Once it's all paid for 

But I realize 

How lucky I am

To be healthy

To be surrounded by

People who look after me

Treat me to dinner

Or a show

Or even a holiday 

I have a roof over my head

And food in my belly

And in the middle of a recession 

I have a job

That I enjoy

Brings satisfaction

And fun

Even if sometimes

It is exhausting

To be part 

Of the daily slog 

Today between Leicester Sq

And Covent Garden

I passed no less than 9 vendors

In a journey 

That takes 5 minutes by foot 

And I see these vendors

And men and women

Who are homeless 

Literally every. single. day.

People

Who for a myriad of reasons 

Have not been so lucky in life 

And need an extra hand 

And I just wish

I could offer every single one of them

A bed 

A cup of coffee 

Lunch 

A chance 

And if my £2.50 

Can make the tiniest difference

In someone's day

And allow them

To be one step closer 

To their own 

Eudemonia 

It's a difference 

Worth making   

The end. 

Gold Star

My achievement today
Was getting out of bed
And going to work
And despite feeling like
Crap on wheels
Having a really good day

The end.

Just Keep Swimming

Today
I went house hunting
And discovered an area
Of London
I have not yet frequented
And stumbled upon a jail
And a depressing park

I went for a run
And it hurt
But I did it anyway

I met a lovely Australian
Who is having adventures
Because her passport was stolen
And we shared dinner
In my favourite
Covent Garden haunt

I went to work
And met a young boy
Who had bought his
Soft toy crocodile
To the show
It's name was Crockie
Which we agreed
Was a very suitable name
For a crocodile
By interval
The young boy was yawning
He giggled and looked sheepish
When I asked if he thought
Crockie would make it
To the end of the show

I walked to Green Park
Because the stations
Closer to the theatre
Were packed with people
Out enjoying a Friday night
I passed no less than three people
Sleeping on the streets
And wished there was more
I could do

Sometimes there is negative
Amidst the lovely
And sometimes you
Just have to breathe
And keep on swimming

The end.

On the Steps of the Palace

Imagine one day you’re in London 

and you’re Living The Dream! 

You’ve wanted to be an actress your Whole Life

And suddenly here you are!

At one of the top drama schools in the world!

And every day you climb the steps to the school and 

Literally engraved into the rise of the steps

Are the names of people who’ve been here before.

People who have “Made It”

In the profession

This crazy business like no other.

Because what would it be like if your dreams actually came true?

What if you grew up and actually got to be who you wanted to be?

What if you were Mary Donaldson, an account manager from Tasmania? And what if one day you were in a pub in Sydney and this really attractive guy starts flirting with you and you think, “Gee, I like this one.” And you hang out for a few days, and the air is warm and the sky is blue, and it’s all rather festive because it’s the Olympics, and a few days later he turns to you and he says, “By the way, I’m the Crown Prince of Denmark. If you like me, like, like like me, you’re going to have to renounce your citizenship, learn Danish, and promise to bear my children. In exchange you get to a princess. Like, for real.” What do you do in that situation?

When people talk of Living The Dream, they don’t mention the self-doubt, or the worry, or the anxiety. 

Or that actually living the dream feels and looks different to what you expected. Or that it could even be better than what you've imagined your whole life, and that’s the overwhelming part?! 

Did Mary sit in her room one night and pour her heart out to her best friend and say, “Ohmygod. I don’t know. I mean he’s wonderful. And I really love him. But he’s a prince?! An actual prince?! Isn’t that ridiculous?!”

Because what if you are, 

What a prince would envision?

Although how can you know

Who you are till you know

What you want, which you don’t?

You know what you want. And you want to be an actress. And one day out of the blue, without any guide, a chance to audition fell into your lap, and you seized it, and it worked out well, and you moved to London. And after all this training, you want to write and dance and sing and act and tell stories and have someone with money pay you to do it. And you want to reach out to people to make this world a better place. And you want to talk about what’s going on around you in an interesting and theatrical way. Because nothing else excites you like that idea. Literally no other job in the world has as much appeal. 

You’re here. And you’re Living The Dream. And as Sondheim’s Cinderella says, yes, “Sometimes it’s scary... And you have to wary.” But you keep going. And trust, trust, trust that the universe knows what it’s doing with you. Because one day, you just might end up not just on the steps, but inside the palace, and it just may be wonderful.

The end.

Beyond My Wildest Dreams

There once was a little girl in Sydney

And she used to dance around the living room

And it never occurred to her that she wanted to do anything else but be an actress 

But other things got in the way

Like school and boys and 

Other People’s Expectations About What Is A Good and Proper Life 

And so the girl went on her way

And skipped through life

And soon found she was very sad

Because she wasn’t doing what her heart told her she needed to be doing 

And one day she said, “Ohmygod, enough!”

And she packed her bags and hopped on a plane

And found herself on the other side of the planet

And traveling in peak hour and crammed into the tube

With all the three piece suits and briefcases

And people commuting to offices

And the girl thought, 

“These poor unfortunate souls!”

How many of them get to do what she does everyday?

Run around a room and play games and sing songs 

And dance 

And Live The Dream 

Dear People! 

It’s okay to live your dream! 

Why hold onto those doubts all those worries?!

If I don’t I just know I’ll turn back

I must dream of the life I am seeking

I am seeking the courage I’ve lacked

The courage to live life without reliance 

Face my mistakes without defiance

Show them I’m worthy,

And while I show them

I’ll show me! 

Because it IS so exciting

To be out in the world to be free

My heart IS wildly rejoicing

There is nothing the matter with me! 

I made a choice to be happy 

To let go of the angst and the pain and the worry

And I made a choice to go out into the world

And do whatever it is I’m meant to be doing

And hey world, here I am. 

A little girl from Sydney living in London

Spending her days learning all things musical

And it is wonderful.

The end. 

Journey to the Past

image by rosel-D

Dear Uncle Mordechai. Could you ever have imagined, two-hundred and twenty odd years ago, as you sat in the pub in London that your great-great-great (etc) niece would one day be here in this city of yours?! Because here I am. I’m in London! There’s no place like London! Demon barbers aside... The double-decker red buses, the Tube, the masses of people from every walk-of-life, colour, creed, background, and birth status. That building is from 1200 A.D and that one was built on Roman foundations. And yet, here I am, this child from Australia whose ancestor sailed from here over two centuries ago! And in the intervening time his son sailed from London too, and he had children and they had children and they had children and so on and so forth and in between there were whole World Wars and  the Depression and stolen children and whole countries were formed (including Australia which was signed into being in London!) and other immigrants arrived (including my mother) and suddenly history has fast forwarded, has appeared at this moment and here I am this Australian child born of Spanish, Filipino, Dutch, and Polish ancestors standing in London! And like a game from the Age of Empires, my map slowly unfolds around me as I explore this unknown yet strangely familiar territory. All the names from the Monopoly Board, all those markers from collective consciousness suddenly here in my real perceived existence. It is strange. It is lovely. It is just here. And here I am ready to start drama school, ready to begin this Next Chapter. And I think of everything that has brought me to this moment. Two hundred and twenty odd years of history. Twenty-seven years of my own history and memories and recollections of the life that has brought me to be living in London. And then I smile and let it all go because it doesn’t matter. Because here I am. And here we go. 

Rachel

So imagine you have a friend

And she is an artist

And she knows a lot about sustainability

And she studied trash for her thesis

And she inspires you to know more

To learn more

To be better than you are

And she shares her books about recycling and up-cycling and waste reduction and breaking the waste cycle and the one about how it is possible to use human excrement as fertilizer without making people sick

And you see her in action

Teaching young people about sustainability

The table of beads made from rescued factory bits

Rubber tubing and buttons and bolts and nuts and screws

The left overs from other things 

That in the current system would just be thrown away

The table with the “guess-who” games on food and energy and water

Did you know that Fiji water comes from a place where the local people have no access to clean drinking water?

The fact sheets and interactive tables

How quickly can you sort the recycling?

Do you know what can be recycled in your town and that it changes from region to region

And country to country?

And it blew you away

Her commitment and her enthusiasm and her passion

And you know she is one of life’s rare people

A sparkling gem of intellect and vigor and joy

And you want to know more, do more

Because you have met her

And shared a few days with her

And been inspired by her

And you know it is possible to live in a world where people care about the resources they are using

And be responsible for the life they are living

Because she showed you it was true

She shone light on that which was less than ideal

And she made you see things in a new way

And you are glad that such people in your life exist

To make you question

To make you see

To give you renewed enthusiasm for this life this path

Of creativity and sustainability and passion

Dear Rachel, thank you for your light and joy

Run, Lulu Run! (Again)

It is hot. The sky is blue. I am standing with several hundred people. We are converged on the green in the center of New Milford. We are all decked out in various forms of exercise gear, mostly shorts and t-shirts and sneakers. We are at the starting line. A man’s voice announces “Ready... Set... Go!”. The New Milford Library clock begins to chime 9AM. We shuffle off, and by the end of Main St, we are running. The pace is quick. We leave the main town behind. The sound of feet on the pavement. The crowd thins out. All I can think of is how different it is to the City to Surf. I miss the crowds. There are stretches where I’m almost running on my own. It could just be another Saturday morning run. A few families sit on their lawns to watch the runners passing by. They wave, or just watch quietly, observing the motley crew of humanity running by their front doors. Children, and grown-ups. Serious runners and running clubs and people who just like to run, and, of course, the parents with prams. An older runner calls out to a group of spectators, “Am I winning?”. A woman calls back, “Top 500!”. Everybody laughs. I try to focus on my breathing.  At the first mile we reach our first water station. It is a hot morning. It is difficult to pace myself in miles. I have only ever known kilometers. The scenery is stunning. We run through the leafy green back streets of New Milford. I think about how at home I feel here. But I am a foreigner. I have a different accent to all the people around me. When we run though, we sound the same. I have a revelation about what I want from life. I'm doing exactly that. And that feels good. I round a corner and see a group of people I know cheering the runners on. I feel both elated and strangely confronted. What do I look like when I run?! They give me a boost. Later when their cheering has worn off and the pain returns, a kind stranger and fellow runner jogs up next to me and says "You can do it! Finish strong!". It gives me the final boost. The last mile is mercifully all down hill. I can see the finish line ahead of me and I get that delicious rush of adrenalin that comes from long distance running. I’ve nearly done it! A man on a microphone calls out the names of the runners as they come through the finish line. He incorrectly pronounces my name, twice. It takes a little of the shine off the achievement of having just run 8 miles. But it’s not the finish that counts. It’s the inspiration from having done it. From the possibility of being fit, of being in control of my body, of my mind. Of living a life where I can run races in different parts of the planet. I grab an orange quarter and another drink and head over to the green to meet my friends and cool down. It wasn’t my best event. It was harder than I expected. But I got a new sense of resolve out of it. And that is exhilarating. See you at the next one. 

Moving to London

Left: Abuelo and Abuela in Manilla in the 1950s, Right: Mum and an assortment of (now) uncles and aunts in 1963

Forty-eight years ago you sailed into Sydney and leaned against the railing of the ship 

Thinking of children who weren’t even born yet

All the children with you would one day be grown-ups and married with children of their own

Could you have imagined me, your granddaughter, named after you

Who when she went to Spain for the first time felt strangely at home

Despite the language barrier 

Who longed her whole life to be European, to speak Spanish, who thrilled and delighted at finally getting a Spanish passport 

How would you feel knowing your nieta is not an out and proud Australian

That I cringe at our accents and our inability to speak more than one language 

That I find Australian culture frustrating

That I can’t stand that our national day of pride is a day commemorating a bloody battle thousands of miles away 

That I cannot connect with Australian history because it is so contested 

A few months ago I sailed into Sydney myself

I got up at 5am to watch the lights of Sydney Harbour come into view

And I thought of you leaning against the railing of the Iberia

Could you have imagined as you sailed past Nielsen Park or Point Piper or Taronga Zoo that these would be the sites of my childhood?

Strange to think that the Opera House wasn’t even finished yet 

Could you have imagined me singing in the Opera House?! Or having my year 10 formal at the Zoo overlooking the giraffes looking out to the Harbour? 

Could you have imagined that I would grow up among the eucalyptus and the smell of the Australian bush

And yet never feel at home in it

To feel frustrated every time someone asks “but don’t you feel so lucky?”

In two months, I’m leaving this place

To go to the land where your brothers live

And then to London to seek my own life and put down my own roots

Where I will be in forty-eight years time? 

And what stories will have played out between my arrival at Heathrow and sitting down to reflect on it all?

Abuelo, forty-eight years ago you sailed to Sydney

To a land that for you was entirely sight unseen 

No internet to do your research

No crystal ball to let you know that it was all going to be ok, that you were making the right decision

Our wanderings are not over yet

We are still shifting in time and space 

But wherever we go, there we are

And we have our stories and our ancestors to guide the way

Cultivating Happy

Sometimes you feel down. And tired. And frustrated. And you have to remember that it’s okay to feel this way. And you have to remember to allow yourself some down time. It is okay to sit and watch television and not be productive a thousand percent of the time. And you watch Adam Hills who is a very funny and lovely man because he is so human and genuine. And the episode is about hobbies. And you recall that your hobby is collecting moments of lovely. And Nick Vujicic warms your heart because he is all heart. And Jennifer Byrne inspires you to smile because she genuinely smiles and talks about optimism. And you remember that happiness and bliss and joy need to be consciously cultivated. And you feel better because you have had a cup of chamomile tea with honey. And you have laughed. And you have let yourself be. And that is a moment of lovely in itself. And that lifts you a little bit so you feel ready to go out into the world again. The end. 

Smile

Things that have made me smile recently...

1. The plethora of beautiful flowers in bloom at the moment

2. Over at Superforest a little while ago, Sheri posted about everyday objects looking like faces. I came across the above goofy-like smiley face on my way to the station yesterday

3. Wearing my sparkly gumboots in the rain 

4. And I NEVER thought I'd say this... but Glee's cover of Charlie Chaplin's Smile. 

Smile though your heart is aching 

Smile even though it's breaking. 

When there are clouds in the sky 

you'll get by. 

If you smile through your pain and sorrow 

Smile and maybe tomorrow 

You'll see the sun shining through 

For you. 

Light up your face with gladness, 

Hide every trace of sadness. 

Although a tear may be ever so near 

That's the time you must keep on trying 

Smile, what's the use of crying. 

You'll find that life is still worthwhile- 

If you just smile.

Beyond Zero Emissions

I used to be incredibly frustrated by what I didn’t know. I remember being in kindergarten and being annoyed at the way grown-ups kept using words I did not know the meaning of. As a six year-old trying to fit into and navigate the world around me, I was convinced that somewhere in the city were old men in suits whose job it was to invent new words and disseminate them amongst the adult population on a daily basis in order that there would always be words I would never know. 

As a grown-up, there are still many things I do not know. A big topic at the moment is global warming and climate change. As an average person with no scientific training and a slight aversion to numbers, I don’t “get” the science behind the debate. But as an average person, I can comprehend this. The stuff we use to fuel our society, namely fossil fuels, is finite. Humans live in a way that is detrimental to our health and the planet’s.

Last week I attended a talk at Town Hall on a new report called Beyond Zero Emissions: Zero Carbon Australia Stationary Energy Plan. Thirty scientists, engineers, and academics got together and asked how can Australia move toward a more sustainable renewable energy existence. And they came up with a 200-page document thats shows how Australia can move to 100% renewable energy by 2020. And you know what got me excited? The men in suits say its possible. It’s not just bearded patchouli hippies. It’s Malcolm Turnbull and Bob Carr and former Australian Chief Scientist Robin Batterham and British engineer Allan Jones. 

We have to believe that change is entirely possible. It’s happening in Spain and Germany and the United States. Commercial scale renewable energy. It was something I didn’t really understand when I was walking the Camino across northern Spain a couple of years ago. I saw wind turbines and solar panels on a scale I had never encountered and I started asking myself questions about energy and how it all works. 

I still do not entirely understand the world. But tell my six year-old self that she would one day go to university and spend four years learning words she never knew and even after majoring in English there would still be an untold world of words beyond her cognition, and that’s not frustrating but entirely exciting. And tell the girl who read Barbara Kingsolver’s Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, and walked across Spain and saw wind turbines and solar panels that in just over 6 months she would be working for a sustainability shop and going to the Farmer’s Markets every week and eating beautiful organic food and learning that there is so much possibility. 

The world may be on the brink of collapse, but I choose not to be frustrated by what the men in suits beyond my understanding make up and implement across the globe. I choose to believe it is possible for men, and women, to put their brains together and come up with ways to make the world a better place to live in. As Annie Leonard says in the wonderfully eloquent Story of Stuff, with all the clever people on the planet, surely we can come up with a way to live that is not detrimental to our health and very existence. 

I live in a world where anything is possible. I can choose to understand. I can choose to make a difference. As Allan Jones said at the talk on Thursday night, “the barriers to 100% renewable energy are not technological or economic, but regulatory mindset and vested inteterest.” I may have felt powerless and small against the men in suits as six year-old. And I could continue to feel small and powerless against the people in suits today. But I chose to be inspired. I choose to be excited. I choose to believe the world I live in and the way in which I live on it can be beautiful, rich, creative, and sustainable. 

Run, Lulu! Run!

Bright blue sky, crisp air, and 80,000 of my closest friends. A perfect day for running the iconic City to Surf. Now in it’s fortieth, and my first, year, the City to Surf today was an amazing event. The logistics behind these kinds of things always staggers me. Who has to make the decision about how many plastic cups to buy? Organises the online registrations? Packs bibs and electronic tags and stuffs bags full of newspapers? Organises the marshalling of 80,000 runners?! It’s mind blowing. But it is incredible to be a part of. Dad and Phoebe dropped my s’Mum (step-mum for the uninitiated, and pictured with moi above at the end of the race) Meg and I off at Hyde Park and my adrenalin started pumping. The park was full of people in sports gear, stretching, jogging, and greeting fellow runners. This is what life should be all about. People coming together to celebrate health and fitness and the beauty that is Sydney on a bright sunny, albeit chilly, Sunday morning in early August. 

The race start is divided into 6 groups based on previous experience (ie. the super duper runners start first), and safety (ie. the walkers and mum’s/dad’s/carers with prams are up the back). Meg was in the blue group, so I bid her farewell and made my way through the park down to College St to join the yellow group. I giggled at the long row of porta loo’s through the middle of the park, and the patient queues of runners lined up to use them (something about peeing in the middle of the city with but a wall of thin plastic between you and thousands of people is immensely amusing... after all is said and done, we are all human...). 

Are you ready yellow group?! Cheers and waves. They called the start of the race, and we were off! Sort of. The sheer mass of people meant we really couldn’t get moving beyond a slight shuffle. Thankfully as we rounded the corner to William St, the pace picked up, the crowd thinned a little, and I was able to run right from the blue mat (the point from which the electronic tag attached to your shoe starts recording your time... Ah technology! Back in my old running days it was a volunteer with a stop-watch...).  And from then on, except for a couple of drink stops along the way, I pretty much didn't stop running until I hit the finish line.

It was humbling, inspiring, and emotional to look up to the end of William St and see a mass of humanity running toward the tunnel. The sound of feet pounding the pavement around me, the smell of tiger balm, the spectators cheering us on. I was totally pumped! Running through the tunnel people were whooping and cheering, and a lythe young Mexican woman with a giant sombrero and an Ipod speaker dock, was playing awesome Latino tunes, all the while cheering and running, (and totally outpacing me)! I had to keep reminding myself to not let the excitement (or emotions) get a hold of me, and focus on running! 

I was shocked when we reached the 5km mark to realise we had already done 5km, because I was feeling good! The sheer momentum of the people around me, the bands playing along the roadside, the people who had come out onto their lawns and driveways to cheer and play music, the gorgeous day, it felt fantastic to be a part of it all. Heartbreak Hill was demanding, but with so much going on around me, people dressed in costumes - from Star Wars to Spiderman, several gorillas, a giant frog (how do people run 14km in head gear?!), wigs and capes, tutu’s and fairies, inspirational t-shirts, and people from all walks of life, young and old, walking and running, I didn’t have time to remember I was willingly running up a 5km hill, let alone a 14km race!

Rounding down the hill down Military Rd and Campbell Parade, I remembered why I love living in Sydney (especially my days of living in the east). Bright blue sky meets glorious blue ocean meets beautiful harbour foreshore. It's fairly spectacular. And coming into Bondi Beach was a mixed bag of emotions. I was excited, proud, tired, sad that it was coming to an end so quickly, and pumped that I had finally achieved something I had said I would do since I was about eleven years old. I’m a little sore tonight (ok, make that a lot sore... when Mum called out to say the race was on the news, I could barely make it from my room to the tv... go figure!), but I feel like I can achieve ANYTHING I put my mind to... look out world! 

Meditation

Four years ago I was not in a good place. A counsellor at uni asked if I would like to be part of a study at the Black Dog Institute on the benefits of mindfulness meditation in the treatment of depression. I went along to the study and for twelve weeks struggled with mindfulness meditation. I fell asleep in just about every session. I cursed myself for not even being able to sit for five minutes and still my mind. Then in the final week, something clicked. Meditation was not something I had to achieve. I could not fail at it. But neither could I succeed. I just had to be - without judgement. Just be in the present moment.

This year I am completing a Meditation Facilitator’s Certificate. I have learnt all sorts of techniques, from mindfulness to guided meditation, inner and outer focus meditations, meditation to music, chanting, chakra meditations and breath meditations. My own practise has deepened as a result of the course, and it has most definitely strengthened me as a person. I have learnt that meditation is simply paying attention. To your breath. To your body. To the present moment. It is wonderfully easy, yet it requires skill. It requires dedication and practise. 

The power of breath. The inward push down of the in-breath. The outward flow of the out-breath. The power of paying attention to the present moment. The power of being kind to yourself. The power of mindfulness. 

Tonight I have been working on an assignment for my course on meditation in schools. I am inspired in my own practise. I am excited about sharing my practise and passing on these skills to other people. I am immensely grateful for all that I have learnt since that first class four years ago. Life is sometimes hard. Life is sometimes joyous. But, in the words of Jon Kabat-Zinn, wherever you go, there you are. And to be here with yourself in this moment, and be ok with that, is wonderful.

Positive Steps

I have lived/dealt with depression since I was in early high school. I remember sitting on the train on a bright blue-sky sunny day and thinking "everything in life is good right now, but I just feel miserable." The following ten years saw me yo-yo between between high and low moods, culminating in a feeling of total numbness by the time I was finishing uni. 


Thankfully I discovered mindfulness meditation, and through reading, counselling, better eating habits, and much journalling, I have come to better understand my depression and how to look after it, and more importantly, my self. I can now recognise the symptoms of when I'm starting to feel down, and I'm on an ever continuing journey of how best to look after me. I'm eating beautifully, I'm expressing myself creatively, and I'm meditating daily. 


I feel the one area letting me down is fitness. I'm distinctly lacking it! So I have finally signed myself up for something I have been promising myself I would do since I was twelve. I'm going to run the City the Surf! I have filled out the application form, paid my fees, and now I need to get running! For the goodness of my own health, for fitness, for the challenge, for proving to myself that I can do what I say I'm going to do, I'm going to run 14km from Sydney's CBD to the iconic Bondi Beach on Sunday 8 August. 


Part of the race is fundraising for a nominated charity. I have chosen Beyond Blue: The National Depression Initiative. It feels positive to be raising money for an organisation that promotes better understanding, prevention, and coping strategies for depression through an event that will also increase my own well-being. If you can, please help me reach my target of raising $1000 for Beyond Blue by visiting Everyday Hero. 


The paper work is done... now I need to get training!